Heavy news
Donna Simpson is fat. She is fat enough to crush furniture, and she wants to be fatter. She wants to get into the record books by being the fattest woman. Here is the saddest part: if she can’t be the fattest woman ever, she will settle for the fattest mom ever. Sounds to me like she is too lazy to even succeed at being the laziest person alive. Since she can’t walk 20 feet without assistance someone will have to throw pizzas at her like tasty frisbees. Her poor daughter is destined to be a circus freak – Donna wants to weigh 1000 pounds in two years but complains that running after her daughter keeps her weight down. She must mean down below her knees because a woman who weighs a quarter-ton should never complain that her weight is down. Now for the disgusting part of the story: she wants to create a website where she is naked and have men pay to see her. Not a novel idea; zoos have been showing off hippos for years. Is it just me, or is America getting fatter and more crowded by the moment?
Scientists weigh in:
A new study shows that more American kids than ever are morbidly obese, and will shorten their lives as a result by about two decades. The study revealed that fat kids grow up to be fat adults who start having health problems prematurely and then die young. I suppose this means we won’t be an overcrowded country like China since so many of us will die early.. but then if more people are fat then they are taking up more room, so it might just be a wash. Let me mull this one over, and share some final thoughts on all of this: I weigh 160 pounds, so Donna Simpson would have to eat 3 of me in order to make her weight goal. That’s a lot of cheeseburgers.
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